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Post by Phae on Nov 5, 2006 18:52:34 GMT -5
..dirty... so dirty.. must clean..
.. the blood..
.....it stains....
Phae sat in the steam packed bathroom. The shower was on hot. HOT and HOT alone. NO cold water to add to the intense bath she was giving herself as she shower rained down on her burning her skin as she had a brush in her hands trying to get off whatever she seemed to see. She was going over and over her body with soap and with the brush. Rocking back and forth as she tried to get off the stains. Yes the stains. She had already lost her dinner in the toilet and now she was cleaning.. cleaning herself. The shower ran and now the water was starting to turn a pink color from the bits of blood where she had broken and burnt her skin so that it bled.
...stains....
**
Ten minutes earlier. It was the same dream. She had woken gasping for air out of a dead sleep. She felt the nausea that had been there the other morning and she was up and ran into the bathroom locking the door behind her she knew it would really not keep Junpei out but she needed to get clean. She could never seem to get clean. She was tainted. She couldn't cleanse herself never could she and she couldn't tell Jun because then he would leave her again. He would leave her because who would want to be with a girl that wasn't pure and good. She had murdered. Blood was all over her body and no matter what she did she couldn't get rid of it. And so there was only one option.
She turned the shower as high as it would go on the hot side alone and left the cold alone. AFter loosing what little dinner she had eaten last night she stepped into the shower biting through her lip so she wouldn't scream as it began to burn her skin she finally got used to the water and sat down and began to scrub. Thus she was now.
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Junpei
Student Teachers 
Da-ku Kaen
Posts: 670
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Post by Junpei on Nov 5, 2006 19:40:00 GMT -5
Junepi rolled over as Phaedra woke up and dashed to the bathroom. He didn't wake up until she closed the door closed and the water came. His eyes flickered open an he rolled back over Phaedra was missing again... maybe she had another dream and had gotten up to rinse off in a shower.
Curling up into her pillow he breathe din her scent and smiled softly, totally oblivious to the fact that in the next room Phaedra was breaking down in the shower. His arms wrapped around her pillow and he settled back in, knowing she would have to move him in order to get her pillow back.
His eyes closed and he drifted back to sleep to the sound of water running from the bathroom, ignorance was bliss as the saying went.
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Post by Phae on Nov 5, 2006 20:01:22 GMT -5
Phae rocked back and forth scrubbing herself trying to clean what wasn't really there. With every stroke of the hard brush the water turned more and more red. It began to go down the drain in little ribbons of red water. She cried harder as she began to scrub and scrub. Pouring soap on her body as she sat in the shower naked and bleeding.
WHY WONT IT COME OFF!!!
She cried harder and Delana woke sensing her distress. She flew over to the door and began to paw at it but not only was it locked but it was much too heavy for the young Jhereg. She squeaked and scratched at the door before she let out a long bellow in her cute little voice. She screamed out her lungs inflating as her wings came out.
Inside Phae didn't hear Delana as she scrubbed harder on her body creating horrible ruts in her skin. She cried harder as it just wouldn't come off the stains and the blood. She was wounded and tarnished. Something she needed something more permanent. She thought about Junpei's razor. He had to have one he was clean shaven.
..perhaps..
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Junpei
Student Teachers
Da-ku Kaen
Posts: 670
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Post by Junpei on Nov 5, 2006 20:13:38 GMT -5
A loud squeak awoke Junpei from his light sleep. He sat bolt upright and looked around, at the bathroom door Del clawed at the door. God she wanted Phaedra NOW?! SO she woke Junpei to let her in the shower oh yeah that would work.
Loish, tell Del to -
BOSS SHE'S THINKING SUICIDE!
WHAT?!
Junpei turned to look at his own Jhereg on the window sill an the small beast merely nodded. Without even thinking about his own safety Junpei ran full out at the door, preying that lock he had magically made didn't hold. He hit the door with his right shoulder and the door fell inward. Not quite wide enough the door hit at about a 35 degree angel and tile broke on the wall, so did a bit of the sink. Junpei hit had and winded himself. He rolled off the door and pulled back the shower curtain, there was Phae bleeding and crying.
"Oh god Phaedra."
Still in a tee shirt and sleeper pants Junpei reached in and was instantly stung by the hot water. He cursed himself and tuned the taps off. God she was a mess. Scrambling into the tub with her he pulled her into his lap, moving the wet hair out of her face he softly cooed in her ear and rocked her.
"Shh Phaedra I'm here, shh, it' OK."
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Post by Phae on Nov 5, 2006 23:47:31 GMT -5
Phaedra felt the hot water turn off and she looked up. How was she supposed to clean herself without the water. How! HOW! She turned and saw Junpei as she came into the bath tub and pulled her into his lap. Her body was shivering from pain but she was still clawing and tearing at her skin. She looked up at him with her blue eyes nearly violet now as she looked up at him.
"Junpei.." she whispered so softly as she looked up at him her violet eyes meeting his beautiful grey ones.
"I can't.. get clean.. the blood.. it won't go away.. it won't go away Junpei!" she cried.
She clung to him as she scraped at her skin and cried.
"Stains!! Junpei there are stains everywhere!" she cried out.
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Junpei
Student Teachers
Da-ku Kaen
Posts: 670
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Post by Junpei on Nov 6, 2006 0:27:31 GMT -5
Junpei damn near started crying as she continued to try an tear at her own skin, there was only one thing he could think of to do right now and although it hurt him he did it. His right hand came up and he softly knocked her at the base of her neck, crimping the nerve it would pinch and she would pass out into unconsciousness. With her out he would be able to pick her up and dry her off, leaving a bloody towel in the bathroom to be picked up and burned later. Yes he would burn it, no need for her to see exactly how much she had bled all over the place.
Setting her down in the bed Junpei brought up Zandra, the angel, for the first time Junpei saw, flinched. She placed her hands over Phaedra's chest and soft blue light fell from her hands and she sang softly. Junpei watched as the cuts and scrapes healed up. Junpei thanked Zandra and then pulled Phaedra under the covers. She would need LOTS of rest now , she had lost a lot of blood and.. god he needed someone who could dream walk right now!
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Post by Phae on Nov 6, 2006 22:04:48 GMT -5
--12 hours later--
Phae stirred softly underneath the blankets and her blue eyes opened gently. It had been a dream. Another dream apparently her skin felt okay but she still saw the sickening stains that were always there after her dreams but she didn't say anything as she ran her hand over her arm and looked over to find Junpei next to her.
"Good morning love, I'll get started on breakfast." she said as she kissed his forehead gently.
She got out of bed and looked down. Why in the world was she naked. They hadn't made love last night.. she couldn't remember any reason why. But she grabbed one of Jun's shirts and putting it on she went into the kitchen to start breakfast. She enjoyed the fact that they had a kitchen now. She smiled thinking about how soon they would be able to move into thier own house.
She hummed softly as if nothing at all had transpired the night before and began cracking eggs and fying up potatoes for breakfast. It was going to be a good breakfast. A bit spicy perhaps as she cut up some peppers to add to the eggs but she liked to spice things up. Eating the same thing all the time wasnt fun at all.
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Junpei
Student Teachers
Da-ku Kaen
Posts: 670
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Post by Junpei on Nov 7, 2006 4:47:36 GMT -5
Junpei stayed up for about 8 of the twelve hours Phaedra slept. He spent those 12 hours cleaning the bathroom, fixing the tiles, replacing the door, the lock, and the hinges. He even went so far as to clean the entire room. By the time he was done he was exhausted and took a quick shower, notable cleaning himself twice, and then slipped into bed in sleeper pants next to Phaedra.
- four hours later -
Junpei awoke groggily to the smell of eggs in the air. He rolled over and looked into the kitchen at Phaedra. she seem to have forgotten the whole ordeal or was hiding it very well. Junpei wondered how much longer she would have these nightmares, these things that kept her awake at night and brought on these horrible mental breakdowns.
Smiling softly to her he got out of bed and walked over to her. He slipped his arms around her waist and kissed the back of her neck softly. He asked a question h probably shouldn't have but needed to see her response to.
"Sleep well lover?""
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Post by Phae on Nov 7, 2006 0:46:17 GMT -5
Phae felt Junpei's arms around her and she closed her eyes. Gods his arms really felt so good around her. They could comfort her in no time at all. He was the only one that seemed to have that effect on her. She leaned up and kissed his lips gently at the odd angle.
He then asked her how she slept. She frowned softly as she looked down and took the finished eggs off the burner. Tears sprang to her eyes and burned deeply. She wiped them before she hugged him tightly around the waist as she nuzzled into his chest and shook her head.
"No.. they came.. again. Junpei.. why can't I forget. It won't let me. They keep replaying over and over. I feel so dirty all the time. I feel unworthy of you .. of everything I have.. I .. I.." she couldn't finish the statemtent she couldn't tell him about what happened.
There was just no way to describe it at all. She had killed eight people. But it wasn't even by choice she had basically been forced to kill to survive the class. She nuzzled into his chest as she clung to him.
"Jun... he made .. made me..." she cried harder as she clung to him as she tried not to tell him and still wanted to tell him anyway.
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Junpei
Student Teachers
Da-ku Kaen
Posts: 670
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Post by Junpei on Nov 7, 2006 0:52:30 GMT -5
"Shh.. don't worry Phaedra, I still love you, always have and always will. Whatever he made you do, whoever did it, you aren't there anymore. You're not stained love, not at all, you did what you had to, you didn't do anything wrong honey."
Junpei pulled his wife to be tighter and nuzzled into her hair and ran a hand up and down her back. One arm stayed tight around her waist while the other went up and down her back. Whoever had done this was a monster, whoever would hurt his Phaedra like this... she had been threw to much while he was away. Oh gods what had he done?!
"Shh.. it's OK Phae.. shh..."
His hands continued to stroke her back as he consoled her lightly. Not much he could do except try and calm her right now, now when she needed him the most. Carefully picking her up Junpei moved back to the bed and set her in his lap, encouraging her to nuzzle into his neck and cry there. He would keep a tight grip on her waist and support her back as she cried. He to would nuzzle her neck now and place sweet soft kisses there. She was never going to be tainted to him, only his sweet and innocent Phaedra.
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Post by Phae on Nov 7, 2006 1:59:52 GMT -5
Phae felt him hold her closer and stroke her back. She cried softly as he began to soothe her and she closed her eyes. He picked her up and led her to the bed. She loved it when did that. She felt so very cared for when he picked her up and cradled her as if she was important.
He sat down on the bed and cradled her close she cried softly into his neck. She spent the next ten minutes crying softly. He was the only one that made her so happy just by putting his arms around her. She nuzzled into him and his lips came down to kiss her over and over again trying to calm her down.
"Jun.. I never want to.. kill.. again." she whispered as she clung to him softly but urgently. She nuzzled into his neck. "I can't forget.. those people.. Mr. Gutenburg.. those.. they.. they had families.." she cried softly as she kissed his neck over and over as if to beg him not to leave her.
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Junpei
Student Teachers
Da-ku Kaen
Posts: 670
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Post by Junpei on Nov 9, 2006 18:28:46 GMT -5
"Shhh you don't have to Phaedra, no one will ever make you, no one, I promise Phaedra."
He felt her kisses along his neck an could only smile weakly, she was in so much pain, had been threw so much, and he hadn't been there to console her. He had run off to confront his own problems, left her cold an alone, asked her to be here for him without asking or telling her where he was going. Gods what a fool he had been.
"Come on, let's get some food in you. I know you may think it's bad but it'll do you good hun."
Slowly getting up, still letting Phaedra cling to him he grabbed the plate of eggs and then set her back in hi lap when he sat down. God what had that man done to her?
"Come on, you need to eat something for me hun."
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Post by Phae on Nov 11, 2006 2:37:16 GMT -5
Junpei consoled her gently and she closed her eyes letting his warm breath and sweet words wash over her. She let him told her and touch her because right now that was exactly what she needed. More than anything she needed to be loved and feel normal. to be the same girl that Junpei had fallen inlove with when she had no stains on her hands.
He picked her up after telling her that she needed to eat.
She didn't want to but she knew as much as she worked out these days if she didn't eat then she would start to lose her strength. He grabbed the plate of eggs and then returned the both of them to the bed. He sat her down in his lap once more and she put the plate of eggs in her lap and picked up the fork gently.
She began to eat slowly trying to eat and let him see that she was doing so. She swallowed and barely tasted it as she was mainly eating for Junpei and not herself.
"Junpei, killing people.. it's a sin right? So does that mean.. that because I was forced to kill or be killed.." she let the sentence fall but he would know what she meant. She didn't want to go to hell honestly she wasn't the most Christian or sweet girl in the world but she was loyal and honest to a pretty big degree.
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Junpei
Student Teachers
Da-ku Kaen
Posts: 670
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Post by Junpei on Nov 11, 2006 12:47:46 GMT -5
"It's not a sin to fight for your own life Phaedra. It's not. You were just doing what you had to to stay alive. For e, and for your children in the future. You killed so that they could live Phaedra, you were a very good mother."
Leaning in he kissed her neck softly before realizing she wasn't gonna be eating much more, half the plate was enough, that was about two eggs. Taking the plate he set it on the nightstand and then pulled her back rightly to him. He had been a very god wife and a very good mother, that's all she had done. In fact Junpei was almost proud of what she had done, that she would go so far as to live for her future.
Of course, Junpei was agnostic, meaning he believed in a higher power, but didn't believe in a heaven or hell. What he believed in was raw magic, and th study of it. He believed in magic as something he would return to, or if he became powerful enough, mold to allow him and Phaedra to remain as something else... a higher power was something one should understand, not fear.
"I love you Phaedra, thank you, for protecting our family."
He whisperer in her ear before kissing her cheek softly. She was a great wife to be.. no she was his wife, she had proven, not only to him but to the world, that had every right to be his wife and a mother.
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Post by Phae on Nov 11, 2006 13:39:50 GMT -5
He told her that it wasn't a sin to protect yourself and your future. She sighed softly. She truly had been worried. She didn't want to go to hell or whereever it was you when when you had commited a carnal sin. But now he told her that she had no choice. What she mainly wanted was to be with Junpei no matter what the after life was like. She didn't want to be without him on this world or not.
He took the plate away and held her tightly to him. Nuzzling into her neck it felt so good. This was HER Junpei the one that no one else got. The sweet caring posessive but loving man that held her right now. She smiled as he told her thank you for protecting their family. She nodded softlty and pulled them down so they lay him spooning her on the bed. She was now on his side of the bed and she smiled. It smelled exactly like him. She held the pillow up to her nose and closed her eyes breathing in the scent.
"I love you Junpei. I think I'm going to need Phoebe. Maybe she can help me lessen the pain and torment of that day. Shes a psychic or even Xeryth. But you have eased my heart and a great deal of my mind." she whispered softly. "When do we leave this place?" she asked softly nuzzling into his pillow and hoping he would say soon. He was supposed to be finding them a house. She wanted to leave so badly this room held a lot of bad memories but so many good ones. She wanted to make a new place with happier memories.
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