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Post by Talbot Linsorim on Jun 1, 2006 10:51:09 GMT -5
sigh* tear this one apart- I beg you all. I need some serious revisions on alot of what I write and no one to critisize- so yeah-
Untitled
Screaming as I fall,
No one listens to the call,
Eyes long distracted,
I wish now to end your laughin'.
Laughing as my wings shatter and break,
Your head I've impaled upon bloody stake,
Now can you hear me cry,
"It is your turn to die!"
Mortal now my heart breaks,
My master now fails to wake,
Tears streaming from my eyes,
Present now is my loss of time.
Chain bound wrists and broken hand,
In your name I took the stand,
Crying your name 'til it filled the sky,
Yet you never appear- not even to lie.
Hear my cry O Mortals few!
My broken soul goes out to you!
Sing, not cry of my defeat-
Lest I cast you down with one swift beat!
Cherish now all you have,
One day we will not share our land,
Your debt to us remains unpaid,
For we collect another day.
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Post by Midnight on Jun 1, 2006 13:36:55 GMT -5
hmm...how about Angel Forsaken?
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Hakfu Song
Spell Caster
"Compassion for your enemies: They fight for their reasons, as do you."
Posts: 132
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Post by Hakfu Song on Jun 2, 2006 5:24:21 GMT -5
sigh* tear this one apart- I beg you all. I need some serious revisions on alot of what I write and no one to critisize- so yeah- Untitled Screaming as I fall, No one listens to the call, Eyes long distracted, I wish now to end your laughin'. Laughing as my wings shatter and break, Your head I've impaled upon bloody stake, Now can you hear me cry, "It is your turn to die!" Mortal now my heart breaks, My master now fails to wake, Tears streaming from my eyes, Present now is my loss of time. Chain bound wrists and broken hand, In your name I took the stand, Crying your name 'til it filled the sky, Yet you never appear- not even to lie. Hear my cry O Mortals few! My broken soul goes out to you! Sing, not cry of my defeat- Lest I cast you down with one swift beat! Cherish now all you have, One day we will not share our land, Your debt to us remains unpaid, For we collect another day. Let's see.. 'Forsaken Angel' wouldn't be bad, I suppose, but.. hang on. So, even as your falling into something terrible, no one seems to be able to hear your pleads for help, and because of their ignorance/unwillingness, being busy with their own lives, wasting themselves on games, movies that are oversexed, or just trashy TV, they cannot help you, and you wish to stop their cruel laughter at the misfortunes of others.. such as yourself in this matter. If you need to replace laughin with something, or change the last sentence, distracted rhymes with refracted and detracted. If you want to replace the 'distracted' line, however, laughin' doesn't rhyme with a whole lot, except maybe 'gaffin, daffin (is that even a word?..), maybe yappin'.. 'sappin'.. hmm.. Okay, so, in this verse, its analyzing how as you continue onward in this fall, the people continue to laugh (so then, I guess that means, ignore the above two paragraphs), your wings 'shatter and break', head impaled on a bloody stake... nice. Good rhymes here. Then, as you die, you let everyone hear you cry, 'It is your turn to die!' Hmm.. the only conflict I have with this one is that, the verse verse's last two lines don't rhyme, but this second paragaraph/verse's last two lines do rhyme. Too tired to think of an alternative line right now, however.. Your mortal heart breaks, your masters fails to wake (to save you?), and in your impaled-ish state, tears are streaming from your eyes, present to seeing that, as you die, you will lose all that time in which you could've been alive. All I can say: Nice. That just fits perfectly. Great verse. You want people to sing of your defeat, not weep and cry over it.. sing as in joyously, or sing as in in glory of your deeds up to that point? The last line sounds like you would put a curse, even if you were dead, on the person who would weep for you, as that would be a confirmation that you had been defeated in your goals.. whatever they may be. This seems more like an announcement, but by the 'us', and 'our', and 'we', it sounds like, well... It starts to make this whole song sound like the promise of a demon, in a way. Or else, its a fallen angel army, or something.. This either comes to symbolize this poem about how angels fall, or, are forsaken, or, how our disbelief in them makes us cast blind eyes and ears to them.. Aye, Midnight's right, something with 'Angel' in it. |
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Post by Fukushuu no Mumei on Jun 2, 2006 18:38:43 GMT -5
hmm...how about Angel Forsaken? It seems like a bit of a cliche. I'm not saying it doesn't work, but names that are original in title but have the same meaning seem to appeal more to most people, including the writer. Eh, it's all opinion. "In Need of a Name" even sounds like a good title. It is art, so it can be comprehended in different ways. Hence, it does not necessarily have to be about an angel, but a metaphor with those comparisons. -=}N{=- |
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